Issue 11/12: Government Trained Hawkers

No I haven’t disappeared into irreverence.  Just got a little busy on the art side.  Meanwhile life still goes on.. MRT is living up to the new name I gave it – MST (See Issue 10/12), Hougang is seeing election fever again bullying what-nots and all afoot, across the causeway Anwar is getting charged.. again, while on the international front Facebook IPO-ed into a stock market rollocking from the never-ending greek tragedy and promptly got tangled into its own greed mess.  Wow, a lot sure happens in a little over a month.  But my focus is irreverence.  And my biggest laugh lately has gotta be:

HEADLINE 1: CENTRE TO TRAIN FUTURE HAWKERS

I’d say the ruling goverment is too “eng” (free) in between conducting confusing train breakdown enquiries that seem to be getting nowhere and taking pot shots at the hammer party.  In typical garment (government) style, they think throwing money can re-create anything.  If it is great in the first place and sprung from the local grounds, nurture it.  But nope, they must attempt to re-”build a pipe line of skilled hawkers in anticipation of the 10 new hawker centres to be built within the next decade”.  Call a tender to capture the knowledge of hawkers to re-invent good street food?  Bwahaha.. Even Coca-Cola doesn’t divulge its formula.  I hope WDA has a multi-million budget to accomplish its mission impossible to persuade “Hawkers not keen to share recipes” in the next headline.  Or they can try Kay Lee whose secret recipe is up for grabs, $2M only (see Issue 8/12).

HEADLINE 2: PLAN FOR CENTRAL AGENCY TO MANAGE CLEANING JOBS

You can’t fault the ruling party for being unthorough.  Once they decide to meddle with the hawker scene, they must interfere all the way to the loo.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am all for improving public toilets, a bane in Singapore, not just in hawker centres.  But is a high level government agency needed to decide how much to charge for 2 pieces of toilet paper to enter a centrally managed loo?  Surely the root of the problem isn’t just about economies of scale.  Improve the lot of cleaners to begin with.  Stop all the garment outsourcing to the cheapest agency that squeezes the workers in a never-ending cycle of poor pay and unrespected work conditions.  And what about public education?  Good eating, and clearing, habits can be encouraged.  Have self-help disposal amenities available instead of always relying on the over-burdened cleaner.  But no, the be-all solution is to set up another bureaucratic agency, and yah, call another tender.

HEADLINE 3:  AH-TAI STILL WINS

Yes, still on hawkers.. a national obsession these days.  This one is solely created by the press for want of nothing to report.  Sniff a rivalry and report the split in dramatic fashion, thereby creating a scramble for the “underdog” stall.  And then report some more and do a food comparison critique.  We’ve seen it all before.  Katong laksa comes to mind.  Now it’s Maxwell chicken rice.  I know, I know.  The garment can create a new dispute resolution agency for hawkers.  After all, it already has grandiose plans to create its own recipe of great hawkers operating in sterilized hawker centres, surely a third can be created to coordinate all efforts into building an everlasting harmonious legacy of our great hawker culture, no doubt an attraction to bring in more tourists/foreign talent to Singapore?  Although I still don’t see any of the original Katong Laksa proclaimers, Tian Tian Chicken Rice or even Ah-Tai, being persuaded to reveal their secret recipes, not for a lark anyway, as the garment seems to think.

HEADLINE 4: WHY SINGAPOREANS ARE THE HAPPIEST IN THE REGION

This one is really funny.  Of course the local papers must trumpet about Singapore being No. 1, never mind that we are actually #33 on the list after.. err Turkmenistan.  But we beat Malaysia so there.  To think that the UN is also so free to do a “World Happiness Study” I kid you not.  I wonder who they asked?  Not me.  I will believe if they rank Singaporeans the #1 Complainers in the Region AND the World, haha..

HEADLINE 5: DOGS CAN ‘CATCH’ YAWNS, STUDY FINDS

In the veritable world of “bo-liao” (nothing better to do) studies, and we have a few today, there is one that reads: A dog’s yawn, get this, is a cross-species ability to empathise with humans.  Wow, I am amazed.  Man’s best friend can indeed empathise with us.  I can remember Lucky, the family dachshund from my childhood days, lying lazily at the doorway on a hot afternoon, drooping eyes, ears and all, stifling a sleepy yawn when I was trying to direct it  to chase the birds behind him.  I lost.  And yawned.  So I must have a cross-species ability to empathise with canines? Or dogs can not only empathise but influence humans??  Bah..  Talk about reading too much into sleepiness.. yawn.  Time to catch 40 winks and I’d go to bed might happily today in order to live up to the tag of the happiest people in the region

Issue 10/12: Goodbye Rediffusion

This is the adieu issue which we seem to see several in the past 2 weeks..

1. GOODBYE REDIFFUSION, NOT?

A distinct pang of sadness hit me when I read the news, much like the time years back when I read that my friendly childhood savings POSB Bank got swallowed by the commercial DBS Bank, but that is another story.  The Rediffusion box was as ubiquitous as it could be in my childhood, and a fair bit of my adulthood, home, sitting right atop the kitchen doorway. I don’t consciously love  丽的呼声 like my grandma used to, nodding to the tunes of her favourite Cantonese operas.. it was just there – a fixture, a quaint box that expoused funny (to me) dialect news and the occasional dramatic story-telling of the soap opera variety that I actually paused to listen to sometimes.  Just like I can’t help but follow occasionally the neverending Taiwanese drama serials that my parents, and so many aunties and uncles, are so arduously hooked to.  It’s just there, and you don’t realize it’s a part of your life, that is until it’s (about to be) gone.  For the faithful elderly fans, it will be like my grandma losing her favourite Cantonese dramas on TV all over again when the Speak Mandarin Campaign came all those years ago.  She has passed on and does not have to suffer this.  Unlikely though it may be, and people are already mourning its demise with inevitability, maybe a white knight will come along.  To the rich philanthropists out there who like to give one-time run-of-the-mill charity donations here and there, this is an appeal to do something different for a change: Keep Rediffusion going, at least for the last generation of listeners..

2. GOODBYE JUMBO

The Boeing 747 is really gone at last, at least from the SIA livery on its final SQ flight to HK and back on 6 April 2012.  But at least this is a fond farewell with much aplomb and fanfare. It is fascinating to read the history of how far the “Queen of the Skies” had come and I simply love the old photograph of  ladies dressed to the nines to board the inaugural flight in 1973.  I am no aviation enthusiast but the curves of the Jumbo do really make it unique beyond the functional.  I will definitely miss it, and the colourful lingo it inspires (see Issue 6/12), and maybe be inspired to paint the curves one of these days

3. GOODBYE MASS “RAPID” TRANSPORT

Speaking of lingo, here is one acronym that is so salah (Malay for wrong) nowadays: MRT.  Flip open the newspapers or check your Facebook account these days, and it seems there is a N-S/E-W/N-E/Circle {Choose applicable} Line breakdown happening or enquiry going one, the latter probably can’t keep up with the former at this rate.  Elsewhere in the world, they call it “Metro”, “Underground”, “Subway”, etc which are neutral, descriptive and make no claims of superman speed.  Very smart I say.  We should follow the same example and ditch “MRT”.  Either that or be honest and call it ”MST” for Mass Slow Transit or Mass Stuck Transit.  Then we’d know what to expect and bring a stool, book, hat, munchies, drinks, portable toilet, what-not, when we come to board the train.

4. GOODBYE LION CITY HOTEL

I seem to be the only one missing it.  Even the namesake of the country could not save it.  And it went without as much as a whimper from anyone.  Except me, sob!  This is what I used to see and I used to love looking at the lights of its neon name sign (missing letters and all) at night when I can’t sleep..

And what is it today?  Arrgh, another upscale ex condo retail mall in the works to milk money from the area, which the developers apparently think this is Orchard Road instead of Geylang Serai..  I want my downscale humble old Lion City Hotel back!  And Sheng-Shiong (see Issue 5/11).  And Hollywood Canteen.  And..

5. GOODBYE TITANIC SONG

And I mean it.  I can remember the time when I was studying in London which happened to be the year the movie was in vogue.  The radio deejays had little imagination (unlike the Rediffusion ones) and spun the same song On and On and On..  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie, histrionics and all, when Leonardo di Caprio was still thin and Kate Winslet was er.. voluptuous.. like the Jumbo, and I caught it in a quaint old cinema that funnily had a 15-minute break like a live performance, instead of joining the 2 reels that the overlong movie apparently came in.  Celine Dion may sound good the first time, and a few times after, but not a hundred times a day for an entire year.  Shudder.  Even Kate Winslet admits to throwing up over the song, so now we know she wasn’t acting in the ship rolling scenes ;p  The Heart will tire.  And so will the ears.

So now I say Goodbye Titanic the Ship, Goodbye Titanic the Movie, Goodbye Titanic the 3D Movie, and may there never never never be a 4D version, James Cameron is rich enough.  Amen.

Comments:

Jeffrey Ho, 19 Apr 12:  ”Hilarious piece on the Titanic! lol  You watched it at the ABC cinema on Tottenham Court Road!”

Issue 9/12: April Blues

I guess it’s hitting me that I’m not on a holiday this time of the year, boo hoo  To cheer me’self up, here are some inane items for this issue of irreverence..

1. “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s..”

Super Car-Plane!  Well, at least that’s what some folks in Massachusetts are reported to have tested a prototype successfully, er.. rather sedately called Transition vehicle or “street-legal-airplane”.  Move aside, Transformers.  I’d say aviation hasn’t been so exciting since the Wright brothers.  It’s going to be pandemonium in the air!  Much like the fun zany futuristic scene from those who remember “Back to the Future”.  Cars zipping in the air!  Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.  And oh pedestrians like me will be most happy as who needs traffic lights anymore?  Ask the traffic to go upstairs.  Yeah!  And for those who can’t stand the Causeway bane..  Haha.. it’d be quite a sight to see immigration officers erecting a barrier in the air..

2. Captain America sequel a-cometh

Yawn.. What I’d like to see is a Singapore movie doing “Sergeant Singa: Slaying of the Near Impossibilists” where our mighty mata-mata (malay for policeman) takes over the coaching of our ex-world team women champion ping pong players by using his indestructible shield to block and ban the negative defeatist naysayers to Never Never Land so that they can learn never to say never again on the eve of a critical match.

3. Who says Singapore isn’t colourful?

And here’s a pic to prove it.. I call this Colour Town

4. Singapore Lingo

And our language is equally colourful:

Breakdown = Disruption

Casino = Integrated Resort aka IR

And now, Casino Junket Operators = International Marketing Agents, with acronym to make it even more anonymous, IMA.

Talk about burying our sins.. but why am I reminded of an ostrich?

5. Perfect Horoscope

Lastly, my perfect score horoscope today (see Issue 6/12) – a wonderful antidote for a gloomy rainy day.  It’s better than all the fortune tellers, mind readers, what-not out there!

     Your cultural leanings are making life more interesting and you may find that you feel better in a museum or making art than doing anything else. Put aside the spreadsheets.  

Well said.  Ingenious piece of writing.  You continue to surprise me everyday haha.. I’m perked up already