Issue 14/12: News Conundrum

Is it me or is the news getting too deja vu?  Into messy puzzles with no end in sight..

1. The Story of Singapore’s Public Transport

Breakdown -> Sorry -> We can do better -> Enquiry -> Fine -> Delay -> Sorry -> We can communicate better  -> Breakdown -> Sorry -> We can..

2. One Tiger Cannot Hold Two Mountains, or is it Three?

Singapore OCBC + Dutch Heineken (+Jap Kirin) = Tiger

Thai Beverage + Dutch Heineken (+Jap Kirin) = Tiger

Dutch Heineken (+Jap Kirin) = Tiger

Thai Beverage (+Jap Kirin) = Tiger

Dutch Heineken (+Jap Kirin) = Tiger

The tiger must be very confused about its citizenship by now..

3. CPIB Probe Downgraded

From Front Page ‘Greatest Corruption Scandal’ news in Singapore, news of the trial date has been relegated to page 10 of ST today with teeny-weeny headlines.  Seems the case is not even newsworthy anymore in a mere 2 months (see Issue 12/12), such is our high ‘tolerance’ after being bombarded left right centre with  such news aplenty.  It’s as commonplace as the train breakdown these days.  Yawn..

4. How to Fix a Gambling Knot

Singapore = casinos = social ills => exclusion order curb ban..

It just doesn’t add up when the root remains.

5. The Meaning of Inverse Proportion

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——————- \   Share Price

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6. The Curse Glory of the Olympics

Lastly, on the political sports front, London Olympics was an expected disaster unexpected success and the Olympics will continue the greek tragedy samba run to Rio.  Good luck to the South Americans.  The British breathed a collective sigh of relief, and hey! they’ve got a medal tally record to show for it, but now less get back to complaining about the Prime Minister..  I have to say though, thank you for the unexpected entertainment!

Issue 7/11: New Year Countdown

How did 2011 pass by so quickly?  Anyway with all the papers doing crystal-gazing, I thought I’d do a piece on the news I don’t wanna see in 2012 by these very same papers ;p   In countdown style in keeping with the NY mood..

10. THE DREADED ‘D’ WORD
We used to be known as E-city, as in Efficiency (read in French manner).  But today, we have become D-city.  The most fatigue word that we dread to hear from officialdom is Disruption (read: Breakdown).  Which equals Delay (read: Stuck indefinitely).  After a round of finger-pointing, all in one direction to the moneymaking scapegoat tsk tsk, and having a certain CEO spoof-ed left right centre, what do we get from all this?  The nervy commuter going “Ahh.. breakdown!” whenever there is a bump on the train.  Everybody went to take bus instead.. darn didn’t know it was possible for them to get even more crowded?!  And for the brave, and rich, ones, follow the  example of one dr who managed to trigger all the invisible surcharges in one infamous taxi trip from Tanjong Pagar to Woodlands.  For such a dangerous endeavour, remember to follow my CPR advisory mah ;p (see Issue 6/11)

9. PUBLIC TRANSPORT FARE INCREASE

Unless our wise leaders (they better be in commensuration with the remuneration) totally misreads the ground tolerance, I daresay we won’t see this one too soon.  If you must increase, make sure your CEO isn’t caught in a spoof-able D&D shot.

8. STOCK MARKET CRASH

One wonders whether this is still possible, although all the naysayers are predicting this – after the fact.  After all, logically, what has crashed would have disintegrated, so how to crash some more, again and again?  The papers need a new vocabulary, yawn..

7. WATER SURPLUS

I know it’s life-giving, it provides relief from our dreaded hot weather, it’s better than having to drink Newater.. but we probably had one storm too many this year.   As the Liat Towers basement shops who received half the month’s ‘blessings’ in 3 hours will attest to.

6. BODIES SUPRLUS

Apart from the grinning taxi folks who are only too happy to have their fare increase limelight being overtaken by the train folks with the outstanding D debacle, the next happiest folks around must be the Bedok Reservoir residents.. haha. For the reprieve, or rather, lack of new XX surfacing ;p (See Inaugural Issue).

5. ANOTHER BOOKSTORE CLOSES

Do we really read that little?  Have we lost the joy of flipping a real book?  It’s an irony that I’m typing this, not writing, on the PC, not on paper.  But I still do like the feel of paper, of holding a pen, or of a brush when I paint.  I am in love with Muji paper products.  When I travel, I carry a real paper notebook, not the IT namesake which incidentally is already going out of fashion.  I am also most inspired by crafts people I met recently who made books, handmade stitched ones.  But I fear we are losing a new generation who have amazingly dexterous fingers on the IT gadget but can’t write in ink to save their lives. Sigh.

4. FACEBOOK ‘UPGRADES’

I know this is an irritating thing that will happen with any IT media, after you are completely used to it.  Changes purportedly to keep up, or fence off, the competitors.  But the latest FB cluttered interface completely turns me off.   Do I need a moving timeline that tells me what my 101th FB contact is doing by the second?  And who decides what is important for me to read?  I don’t see, or rather can’t find, the interesting stuff anymore and am inundated with things I don’t want to know.  It is one thing to influence consumers into ‘needing’ a new lifestyle gadget like what Steve Jobs did (see Issue 6/11), but quite another to play God Pleasantville-style.  Beware that users may just revolt and leave the FB universe altogether.  Like socialising in the real world instead, at a bookstore ;p

3.  MEDIA WAR NEWS NOT

It was entertaining to read the underlying innuendos and underground currents when there was still a semblance to appear objective for the reporting on the court battle between S and Y! (See Issue 4/11).  But when the plaintiff papers goes and publishes an entire page setting out its case in affidavit style against the defendants media with the tendered evidence reproduced, it is crossing the line not only of good taste but also bordering on contempt I believe.  I just lost any interest to read.  Bullies, bullies, nay nay..

2. QUAN YIFENG GETTING INTO TROUBLE

Again. We are not exactly Hollywood but it does get tiresome to read about the television hostess’ antics.  Although she would probably have more sympathy votes if she had destroyed the taxi fare meter for a better reason, like invisible surcharges ;p

1. FIRST BABY NEWS

This one is from a reader..  “One of my ‘pet’ news is the reporting of first baby of the new year or first baby of the new chinese new year. In some years, such ‘news’ made it to the front-page, no less. I used to wonder – why do I need to know this?”  Er.. invisible political agenda to encourage babies production?

Okay that’s all, folks.  Happy 2012.  Although I fear, alas for my poor reader, that #1 is going to come true tomorrow..

Issue 6/11: BEYOND World Class Public Transport System

Singaporeans have been engaged in our favourite activity (complain lah!) all of last week and this week.. Why?  Read on..

* Postscript: Ladies and gentlemen, I take my hat off to the transport companies in Singapore who continue to outdo themselves.  In the 2 days following my Issue 6/11, we have not 1 but 2 transport “disruptions” that moved the Transport Minister to call it “extremely serious”.  Hence I am also most moved to update Issue 6/11 by amending the Issue title and Article #1..

1. X TRANSPORT COMPANY REVISES TAXI FARES
So what is new in Singapore, you might ask.  As the nth costliest city to live in the world (I forget the latest rising rank but like everything else, we want to be No. 1), we have to be stoic about this.  Let me count the value-added services we’ve enjoyed since the last public transport fare increase..

1.  Value-for-money jerking bus rides far more thrilling than the latest Universal Studios Transformers ride.

2.  Free water service from leaking aircon vents in buses during, and after, rainfalls.

3.  Experience the making of epic movies in the company of thousands of extras in the bursting MRT stations.

4.  Seamless shove into the train cabin and enjoy intimacy with your fella travellers that you’ve never had before.

5.  And this one takes the cake, If there is a traffic jam, never mind. Enjoy the adventure of a free 2-hour (de)tour of Singapore, courtesy of a wonderfully clueless FT bus driver.

6.  And this one takes the mother of all cakes, Singaporeans in a nostalgic mood over the closing of the Tanjong Pagar railway station and missed trekking the KTM railway tracks now closed and stripped, do not fret.  Try taking the MRT  instead.  The odds of “disruptions” is now 25/365 (and still increasing!), and if you hit the jackpot, there is once-in-a-lifetime (or maybe more) opportunity to trek the MRT tracks, in a dark dark tunnel for dramatic effect, and don’t forget to whip out your favourite IT gadget (see Article #3 below) to take a video of the chaos that could get you You Tube fame in no time.  Whoever says Singapore is boring?!

So with the taxi companies following suit, we are going to have our own unique Singlish definition of “peak hour”.  It starts literally from when I am sleeping and ends when I am sleeping.  Singapore must be a very busy city to have peak hour demand almost round the clock, and on Sundays and public holidays too.  And you can practise your maths at the same time.  The meter is calling your bluff, most if not all, the time.  You are supposed to add the invisible peak period surcharge to the increased flagdown fare.  And don’t forget the invisible city surcharge, which “city” definition is incidentally an expanding one like “peak hour”.  And if you have to call a cab.. please remember to bring your own CPR equipment in case of cardiac arrest on arrival when the driver presses the meter button for the final jackpot charge.  There, now we are all well-prepared to enjoy our value-for-money beyond world class public transport system.

P.s. I can’t resist adding this footnote. I only learned yesterday the reason for our “seamless” connection between the various modes of public transport in Singapore, with either of the 2 key transport companies controlling.. oops operating all 3 modes.  Never mind about the lack of communication to the affected thousands stranded during a “disruption”, the train folks wasted no time informing their taxi “partners”of the “Income opportunity” at the “breakdown in our MRT train services from Bishan MRT to Marina Bay MRT stretch of stations”.  Gives new meaning to “crisis management” I have to say.

2.  CAR TRANSPORT NOT

And on the other end of the transport scale, we have 8 Ferraris + 1 Lamborghini crashing into S$5M of damage in our fellow Asian nation, Japan.  Ouch.  If this were Singapore, I’d say 5M is a conservative estimate, without our uniquely Singaporean COEs (certificate of entitlement to buy a car which has to be bidded for).  And didn’t I say our public transport is so value-for-money?  Safer too ;p

3. TILL DEATH DO US PART.. BUT NOT OUR IPHONES

A piece of news had me chuckling last week: Gadgets can divide couples.  It used to be in relationships, if one is an IT geek, the other not, it’s just  a ‘men are from mars, women are from venus’ thingee that is laughed away.  And tolerated.  Now it appears that Steve Jobs has not only created a new lifestyle trend where the ubiquitous i-Pod/Phone/Pad/latest-Apple-product-of-the-day (and its one thousand and one competitor incarnations) have become must-have accessories, he has possibly created the new Sheng Chen Ba Zi (生辰八字 or Birth Time 8 Characters) of our era that determines matchability or otherwise between couples.  If one partner holds an iPhone and the other an android tsk tsk.. Siri is literally coming down in the middle to divide the couple.

I am exaggerating but the day may not be far when divorce petitions, instead of citing mundane stuff like “she hates my pigeons!”, or “he never puts the toilet seat down!”, we are gonna get as instances of unreasonable behaviour, “she insists on using an iPhone and refuses to upgrade!”, or “he refuses to use the Nook I bought for him even though it will make his life easier!”  To each its own apparently doesn’t apply anymore and a couple must share the same ‘adorable’ IT gadget type to live happily ever after.  So forget about comparing Ba Zi, age, beliefs, DNA, 5Cs, blah, blah, blah.. First and foremost, the IT 八字 must match.  With Siri’s blessings, no less.  Otherwise couples beware.  Don’t make the judge laugh more than he or she is already doing.

4. WING CHUN NOT

When a Chinese actress, apparently trained in Wing Chun martial arts, got groped by not one, but two, lecherous Hong Kong actors at a dinner, her teacher said “She was so scared that she didn’t know what to do.  Whatever “chun” she knew was useless.”  Aiya!  And I was so impressed when I read about Hong Kong Airlines stewardesses being trained in Wing Chun and taking the martial arts form to new heights literally.  So much for Ip Man hoopla la.

5. HOROSCOPE

I got the perfect horoscope last week!

     You feel safe, or at least you want to feel safe, and the day is all about confirming your desire to relax. [Grin.. How perfect!] Once you have your bases covered, you should be able to enjoy life. [Beam! Beam! Beam! And joy be with all the capricorns (see Issue 3/11) in this world!]

And that explains why I have been bumming around since last week and got late in this Irreverent News issue, haha.. ;D